Failure.

So, the rest of this week was completely shitty. I ate like a fat ass. Well, I guess I sort of am. And each day just kept getting progressively worse. I feel sick, nauseous when I wake up and it continues throughout the day. I haven't even been hungry at all this week. I'm not hungry, but I eat because I keep fooling myself into thinking that eating will make me feel better. IT NEVER DOES!!! It makes me feel even worse. And on top of that, I told one of my friends that I really like G, but it wasn't until this morning that I realized that every guy I've liked has ended up liking her after I tell her I like him. It's like after I tell her, she suddenly also has an interest in him too! Fucking bitch (excuse me). I hate her!! I kinda hate myself even more though, since I decided to tell her. Fuck! I know what's gonna happen now. And I can't take it. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I hate food because it makes you fat.

I Hate Valentine's Day

It's a pointless holiday, to begin with. And, besides that, it's also what some people might call Single Awareness Day, or  SAD. It's just not a good time over all. I feel like my heart just got run over by a train. So, fuck this day. :(

Oops!

I forgot to post yesterday, so I guess I'll do a double-post today.

Yesterday was surprisingly a lot better than most days. I didn't eat too much (except for the sour patch before bed)... what can I say, they're my weakness!! The G situation is still very awkward. Not much going on.

Today was not so bad. Not as good as yesterday, but not bad at all (regarding food). Now, G... This is basically controlling my life right now. I have people that are trying to help me, but I don't want their help!

I think most of me is just scared to actually be in a relationship with him because he holds the key to my heart, even if he doesn't want it. I've never felt this way about anyone. And I'm just so scared. It's sucks because I can't control it. I can't control my love for him, and he's the only one who can break me. And I know that he will.

Have you ever heard the saying that goes, "According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves."

I know that we were made for each other. I know he's my other half. But I'm still scared to know for sure. I know for sure that I only want him.

no one else...

Keeping My Promise

I promised I'd keep you updated, so here it is. Suckish day. Forgot my pills at home today. Erm.... I ate A LOT. And that guy (for all intensive purposes, lets call him G), yeah total awkwardness between us now. That may be our shyness kicking in, but this whole thing does not seem promising right now, which sucks because I've liked him for so long, and I was always afraid to find out that he didn't feel the same way, which is why I always kept my distance. Now we're starting to get close... and I think my fear was justified.....

 :(

Maybe tomorrow will be better (Mainly directed at the G situation). But, I always say that, and it never is, so why bother anymore?

TOMORROW WILL BE TERRIBLE.

G'night :D

ABC Diet... again

So, my first attempt at the ABC diet..... complete failure. I started again today, though. And I got these new fat burning pills, so hopefully they help with my awful stomach and side fat. I'm up to 9 pills a day now.... wow. How did it get to be that much?? It surely doesn't seem like a lot. I was good today. But, I must be better tomorrow. I'll probably see that guy I told you about who I've been crushing on for the longest time. I asked him out and he kinda sorta rejected me like I thought he would.... so, we'll see how that goes. I'll keep you posted. Wish me luck! :)

I Hate Life.

Not my life; just life in general. Cuz it sucks. I met a guy today. My age. But I'm interested in someone else and I want to ask him out sort of, but I'm really scared to....ughhh. I have no idea what to do because I'm a fat-ass bitch. And on top of all that, my whole family hates me. I hate coming home everyday because I know I'm not accepted here. There's definitely nothing I CAN do about that part. I guess I just have to live with it. It's just that every time I think that things will get better, they get 3 times worse. I have no relationship with my father because he hates me the most. Seriously, he comes home and doesn't even say hi to me. The only time he speaks to me is to yell at me to do something, or tell me to do something better. It's never a happy conversation with him. And my mom. OMG. She's so exasperating. Honestly, she needs to grow a fucking heart or something. So, incase you haven't caught on, my dog is the only one who understands me.

And I feel like no human being ever will

What's wrong with me?

Worst Weekend Ever

OMG. I started eating and I never stopped. I just got home from a weekend away with my parents and I feel like the ugliest, most disgusting thing that ever lived. I have no idea how to not eat while I'm with my entire family!!! And a lot of the times it's not like I have to keep saying no, I just don't want to make them suspicious (I did a very good job with that part). Ugh. I hate feeling like a failure. And lately, it's like I'm failing at EVERYTHING. I love the way I feel when I'm hungry; when I don't eat. Why can't I just control myself, or think of the best lie in the world to make them believe that I actually have eaten, or that I feel sick?

Whatever. Tomorrow's a new day, I guess. Take advantage of it?