No Wonder Our Perception of Beauty Is Distorted...

I stumbled upon this video today. Just.... wow. I was speechless. My immediate reaction to this video was to start crying. Partly because I know that perfection doesn't exist, and therefore, can never be achieved, and also partly because, despite knowing this fact, I know that I will still try to get as close to perfection as I can. I don't really know what's going on with me right now, but I need to take a break from this blog for a while. There's something seriously wrong with me mentally. I'm not really sure what to do about it, but this blog isn't helping me at all. So, this is my farewell. 

I love you all,

xoxo Caro <3

Let's Go to the Mall, Everybody!

The mall is a great source of thinspo. I saw the skinniest and the fattest people I have ever seen in my entire life! Anyone feel the same way? And another positive thing is today was the first day in about a year that I actually felt beautiful when I looked in the mirror. :)

I was so embarrassed to even weigh this week for the April Challenge. I've done poorly since that weekend I went away. I GAINED A LOT. Today some friends and I were supposed to go to the beach, but I backed out because I don't want them to see me in a swimsuit because I'm fat. Instead I went to a movie with my sister and it was the most fun I've had all week :)

How was everyone's week?

I'll Be Free.

So, I haven't posted since before the weekend. WOW. This weekend was great! I went away with a few friends for the weekend and we had a blast! We were at my friend's beach house the whole weekend and it was sooo fun. I didn't let myself worry about food, because I knew I wouldn't have a good time if I did. And, since that was my first time at her beach house, I wanted it to be a memorable experience. The only thing I didn't like was that I'm still not skinny enough for a bikini. I always have to end up making excuses to not go swimming with all of my friends. For a while, I feel left out, but for the most part I just get a lot of time to myself; time to just look out at the horizon while the sun sets and contemplate what this life really means, or at least what it means to me.

I like doing that sometimes. I like just sitting down to think for a few hours. But it's something I don't do nearly enough. And I've been thinking lately that I should do it more often. I'm gonna try to incorporate that into my life at least one hour a week to start off with. I can see myself going up on the roof, looking up at the stars, and just thinking. About anything I want; just anything that pops into my head. I'll be free.

...just thinking that I'll be free...

Done.

I give up. I see no point in being on this earth anymore.

My Ideal Look

Long hair
High cheekbones
Thin face
Flat stomach
Hipbones & Collar bones showing
Semi-muscular thighs (with a gap, of course)
Smaller butt
I HATE SIDE FAT & BACK FAT

Sad thing is, I know I'll never look like this. I'll get there, and then my ideal look will change. I'm hoping it won't, though.

This is real, while I'm still semi-sane...

Pros & Cons

So, following what nymph and americaneaglelove have done, I will now provide a list of things I like about myself and a list of things I don't like about myself.

Things I Like
1. My eyes
2. My uniqueness. I love that I don't look like anyone I've ever met.
3. I can pull off almost any fashion trend (So I've been told)
4. My muscles
5. My heart

Things I Don't Like
1. My stomach
2. My hair
3. My butt & side fat
4. My chubby face
5. Constant feeling of inadequacy

Yoga (Still Looking for ANA Buddy)

I feel great! I'm still completely emotionally unstable right now, but I'm getting better every day. Every day keeps getting harder and harder, but I just seem to be getting stronger and stronger. I've decided to incorporate yoga into my everyday lifestyle. I did it last night for the first time in about 2 months. I went to bed feeling calm and relaxed, and woke up in similar condition. :) I honestly owe all of my happiness and well-being for today to doing yoga last night. I have committed myself to doing yoga every morning at 4:00am (9am on Saturdays), and every night before I go to bed (whenever that is). It just makes me feel better about myself; helping me find peace in this toughest of times for me. It's really a great habit for anyone to get into. It'll take your mind off of the stresses of everyday life, which we all know are abundant.

I also did cardio for the first time in a while yesterday. It felt great! I didn't have anything for dinner, but after I was done with running and yoga, I wasn't even hungry anymore. I believe exercise is my new food of choice. :)

I'm still looking for an ANA Buddy. I can't do this alone, you know. None of us can. :D <3

...everything is going to be okay...you'll get through this...i know you can...because you're stronger than him...than her...than all of this...you're stronger than your instincts want you to be...