What is the Point?

It just suddenly hit me that none of this really matters. When all is said and done, everything turns to shit. I normally would apologize for my pessimism, but I won't. Everything is not going to be okay. Ever. So what's the use in even trying anymore? What's the use in putting my feelings out there, when no one will care? I just don't understand. What is the point of all of this? None if this is real. Everything is made up in our minds. All these petty obsessions and worthless little headfuck things. In the end, all of this will turn to ruin. All of this will be gone, and so will we.

So, why do we care? Well, as humans, we tend to cling to life as a means of security. It provides us with the best promise of remaining in our current state: living. However, few people ever take the time to analyze life. They are afraid of the knowledge of something beyond their control. Have you ever asked yourself, "Why am I here?" It's fairly simple. You live, and then you die. Yet it is constantly made more and more complicated every day you continue to wake up. I mean, this doesn't even have to do with body image issues or anything like that. This is just in general. This life is so much more than you and I are.

I'm just tired. I've lived 16 years in this state, and now I would just like to die in peace. I'm done.

"There's no reason. There's no lesson. No time like the present. What have we got to lose?"

I Hate Fat People

I hate fat people, which means I don't like myself very much either. But what I hate even more than fat people is fat people who feel completely comfortable with their bodies and aren't the least bit concerned about what other people think. I mean, they walk around with this huge aura of confidence, that I can only dream to possess one day. Everyday I feel disgusting. Everyday I feel worthless. Everyday I feel FAT. I AM fat.

But let's look on the bright side!! Later on I'm going to Fresh Market to buy some diet pills (Yes, my mom approves b/c she thinks I'm fat too) Everyday she yells at me about my weight. She's always like "You always say you're gonna go on a diet, but then you never do anything!! You have no self control!!" Well, I'll show you, mom.

everyone thinks I can't do it........

Here's some thinspo:

I Don't Deserve Happiness

So, I met another guy a couple of weeks ago. :) We really hit it off. We have so much in common and he's super cute, but I still feel.... uncomfortable.... I thought about it a lot today and I finally realized that since I'm so used to being heartbroken, I can't stand the feeling of being happy. I have become so comfortable with heartache that I actually believe that I don't deserve happiness. I haven't talked to this guy (let's call him T) at all today. I ignored all of his calls and texts. 

What is wrong with me?? Why can't I let myself be happy??

Please help,

xoxo Caro

I'm Back!

I didn't envision that I'd be back so soon, but it's great to be back regardless. Since I've been gone, I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and the world and all that other good stuff. And I realized that all this time I've been trying to find the meaning of life and reasons why certain things happen, when I should have been questioning my own values, what is important to me, and why.

I have also gained a greater hatred for mankind as a whole and complete lack of faith in our society.


Now, I don't want to get all controversial, but racism in America is the issue most prevalent in my mind these days. And not just racism alone, but how it relates to our perception of beauty; perfection, if you will. I hate the fact that my idea of beauty was decided for me. It is not my fault (or neither of our faults for that matter) that I am the way that I am. We are just doing what the media wants us to do. We are its puppets, and I can't fucking stand it anymore! I have been on this earth for 16 years, and for just as long, I've succumbed to the thought that I am not perfect enough and I am not pretty enough. ever. I want to change that, but it's so fucking hard. I'm trying...........

No Wonder Our Perception of Beauty Is Distorted...

I stumbled upon this video today. Just.... wow. I was speechless. My immediate reaction to this video was to start crying. Partly because I know that perfection doesn't exist, and therefore, can never be achieved, and also partly because, despite knowing this fact, I know that I will still try to get as close to perfection as I can. I don't really know what's going on with me right now, but I need to take a break from this blog for a while. There's something seriously wrong with me mentally. I'm not really sure what to do about it, but this blog isn't helping me at all. So, this is my farewell. 

I love you all,

xoxo Caro <3

Let's Go to the Mall, Everybody!

The mall is a great source of thinspo. I saw the skinniest and the fattest people I have ever seen in my entire life! Anyone feel the same way? And another positive thing is today was the first day in about a year that I actually felt beautiful when I looked in the mirror. :)

I was so embarrassed to even weigh this week for the April Challenge. I've done poorly since that weekend I went away. I GAINED A LOT. Today some friends and I were supposed to go to the beach, but I backed out because I don't want them to see me in a swimsuit because I'm fat. Instead I went to a movie with my sister and it was the most fun I've had all week :)

How was everyone's week?

I'll Be Free.

So, I haven't posted since before the weekend. WOW. This weekend was great! I went away with a few friends for the weekend and we had a blast! We were at my friend's beach house the whole weekend and it was sooo fun. I didn't let myself worry about food, because I knew I wouldn't have a good time if I did. And, since that was my first time at her beach house, I wanted it to be a memorable experience. The only thing I didn't like was that I'm still not skinny enough for a bikini. I always have to end up making excuses to not go swimming with all of my friends. For a while, I feel left out, but for the most part I just get a lot of time to myself; time to just look out at the horizon while the sun sets and contemplate what this life really means, or at least what it means to me.

I like doing that sometimes. I like just sitting down to think for a few hours. But it's something I don't do nearly enough. And I've been thinking lately that I should do it more often. I'm gonna try to incorporate that into my life at least one hour a week to start off with. I can see myself going up on the roof, looking up at the stars, and just thinking. About anything I want; just anything that pops into my head. I'll be free.

...just thinking that I'll be free...