Forever.

Okay, so I haven't posted in forever. As I have said before, I am a failure at life. During my break from this blog, I have come to realize three very important truths pertaining to my life: 1) I will never be skinny enough, 2) I will never be pretty enough, and 3) I will never be able to have a functional relationship because I am mildly misanthropic. The thing is, though, I was never really bothered by the fact that I hate people. It's only recently that I've noticed that I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life if I don't change this part of me. And I don't really know what it is that makes me hate them, I just kind of do. It's really been getting to me physically too. I feel abnormal and uncomfortable everyday at school. I never used to have a problem with my singularity, but now I also feel like I can't emotionally connect to the few people that I do like.

And, as for 1 and 2, I always seem to come up short of the pretty, skinny girl that every guy wants to be with. But not just on that end of the spectrum either. It seems like everything I do these days is just never enough. Grades, sports, singing. They all just melt together to form one big blob of insufficiency.

...i could just melt away with them...

First Post of the New Year!

So, I was going to post yesterday, but my computer was acting shitty. So here it is, my first post of 2011! I have a feeling this is going to be a good year! :) I stayed strong through most of the holiday break, binging here and there, but in the end I lost 2 lbs. Not as much as I wanted to lose, but it's something. I heard about the ABC diet, which I'm going to start on Monday. I know it's going to be tough, but I just hope I'll have the self control to stick to it and not give up after 2 days. I've been thinking that I should also start reading more. I got a new book for Christmas and maybe it'll get my mind off of counting calories and shit. Thinking about food 24/7 can be very stressful. I need a release. 

Thanks for listening <3

New Year's Resolutions

So I haven't posted in a while and that is because I am a complete failure. I am currently down to 148 lbs., but it's time to make some changes. I've been binging these past two weeks, so I have no idea how I lost 2lbs., but I won't just settle on not knowing how/why this happens. I want to be in control of my weight. I need to be in control of it. I will control what goes into my body. A new year is coming up, and these are my resolutions:

1. Starve myself until I weigh a proper 113 lbs. (Maybe less)
2. Grow my hair out long (Because I'm ugly)

I also met a guy... Don't know how long it will last, though. Not sure if I want to be what he wants us to be either....

Hipbones

I can feel them... But I can't see them... yet.

Getting Easier

Today I went Christmas shopping again with my mom and we literally stayed at the mall the whole day. I didn't eat anything the whole time we were there and I didn't stop walking for a second. It was magnificent, despite the fact that my feet hurt like hell right now. I had a homemade salad for dinner with balsamic vinegar and a grapefruit. My day has been a great one. I'm still scared to weigh though because I think I still weigh too much. I have another little get together with my friends tomorrow and I'm really worried about how I can make up a good excuse to not eat. Any suggestions/comments would be greatly appreciated.

Stay strong.
Believe.
You can do it.

Not That Easy

Still fat
Still ugly
More hate

Why can't I just look like this?:

Because it's just not that easy. Nothing in life comes that easy. I just need to keep telling myself that.

Ugliness

I'm fat
I'm ugly
I'm disgusting
Hate
Don't want to eat
Don't eat
Can't eat
Hate
Hate myself

Need to be this.

Intake

1 cup of Tea w/ milk - (90 calories)
3 Emergen-C packets - (70 calories)
38 Veggie Straws - (130 calories)
1/2 Grapefruit - (60 calories)

Thinspo

Sweet Disposition

So after I stopped writing in my journal, I stopped trying to be thin. I was still very conscious about my weight, but I had given into the fact that I would be fat forever. However, I recently had a revelation that I CAN and I will do ANYTHING to be thin. And then I stumbled across these blogs about a week ago and they really (thin)spired me to continue to loose weight. I was surprised at how strong some of these girls are and I only wish I had their strength. Yesterday I was doing so well, but then I had to go out to dinner with my family, which was hell. And it totally pushed me back a few steps and I binged all day today. I know I failed the first couple of times, but this time it really will be different. Writing in this blog makes me feel like I have support from everyone who's going through the same thing. It's the first time I feel like there are people out there that actually understand.

This time will be different...

Retrospective

So I've explained what this blog is about, but I'd also like to let you know how this all got started. My emotions started to go astray around mid-February of this year. Here are 12 entries directly from my journal, just to give you an idea of my mental state at that time:


2.23.10
"I feel ugly today. I want to go home so I won't have to torture other people with my ugliness."

3.16.10
"Why do I feel like my emotions are consuming my insides? I don't even know what I feel now. Most of the time I just feel nauseous and gross, like I do now. It's like the more I think, the worse I feel because I know I'm right. I hate this. But I love it at the same time."

3.24.10
"I feel like a failure about 98% of the time, and people only keep making it worse. Home is supposed to be a place where you feel loved and appreciated. When I go home, I just feel even more out of place. My whole family talks about me behind my back, not knowing that I can hear them. This is one of the worst feelings a person could ever have: feeling like their own family hates them. It's like its not enough to make me feel like shit from everyone else in the world, but my family has to make me feel worthless, too. I carry my ugliness around like excess baggage."

4.13.10
"After starving for two days, I went on a binge, consuming 1,410 calories! Now I feel fat and I feel like I never want to do that again. But after a few days of not eating, I also feel like I can't control the urges anymore, and I give in."

4.16.10
"It's been three days since I've eaten and I really want to eat, but I'm scared to. And I'm weak..."

4.21.10
"After my last entry, I binged and ate everything I could find in the kitchen, but after, I felt terrible. I think my stomach is getting smaller, which I'm happy about, but I still feel bad for eating. As I was on my way home yesterday, I was thinking about what I was going to eat. And right after that, I also thought to myself, "Typical me. Giving up when it gets tough." If I'm able to do this and accomplish my goals, I will finally prove to myself that I can continue something even when it gets hard. But I'm also not sure of how to approach it. I'm really hungry and I already binged last night, so I still feel like I've failed. Eating is not worth the terrible feelings that I have after."

4.21.10
"How do I expect anyone to like me when I look like this? I've thought about many other options, but none of them seem to work for me. This is what people don't understand. It's my ONLY option towards reaching my goal. Unfortunately, it's also the only obstacle. I want to feel powerful. I need to feel powerful. I'm looking at myself in a mirror and I'm ugly."

4.27.10
"Fuuuck... I ate all the way through Monday. But today's a new day and I feel fine. I'm such a lying, jealous bitch. And I'm weak, but nobody knows. If you show weakness, people know exactly where to hurt you."

4.28.10
"I'm done with excuses. Life is beautiful. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Last night was hell. Hmm...I'm hungry, but that's ok, right?"

5.3.10
"Oh, god. I'm so naive. I'm gonna burn in hell. And the worst part of this whole thing is that I can't talk to ANYONE about it. Of course, I don't want to because I know they'll only try to make me stop, but I still want someone to talk to about my feelings. It's like everything I say, no one cares about. I can't confide in my family. I feel all alone all the time. Of course, I still have my friends at school, but they also just don't understand. No one does."

6.14.10
"I didn't sleep last night, which isn't good at all. And then when I got out of bed, I got this random pain in my stomach. I haven't had any water yet today. So far, it's not looking so good. Maybe drinking some water will help. :)"

7.21.10
"I'm gonna do this right this time. No one is gonna feel sorry for me, and, in the end, no one will care. I just have to try to keep my sanity through all of this. I started throwing away food again. It's kinda weird now. Like before, I had to try my hardest to resist food, but now, I actually just don't want it. My eyes are burning. :/"

And as the darkness replaces the sun/There arises the recognition of time/And how there is never enough

Fuck. Today I went crazy and just ate everything in sight! I feel like shit now and I don't know what to do. I binge, but I just can't bring myself to purge, so I guess you can imagine how fat I really am. Its like I know in my head that I want to be thin more than anything, but when it comes down to actually taking action and making a few sacrifices, I'm just pathetic. And I'll be strong for 2 days, and then totally breakdown. I can't seem to get rid of my urges!!! Please, if anyone has any tips on how to resist/ignore the urges or any excuses to say as to why I'm not eating, or just eating very little, it would be a great help. 


And also, how to keep my stomach from growling all the time?

I. Want. To. Be. Thin.

So, this is the first time I've ever done something like this before, so please bear with me. I've been having a lot of trouble with my weight these past few years and I decided that it's finally time I start my own blog with the hopes that people will support me through my weight loss. This year before the beginning school, my physician told me that I was overweight and I had to loose at least 10lbs. in 4 weeks. This was seemingly impossible for me because I am an athlete and, as I work out every day, I just kept gaining more muscle, thus adding more weight. Sure, it made me stronger, and I like feeling strong, but I've reached the point where I actually DO want to lose weight and I don't want to gain any more muscle. (especially in my quads. They're huge)


Please comment or send me an e-mail. I would love to hear from you. (NO HATERS PLEASE!)
anaremedy@aim.com


Gosh. I really hope people respond to this.