Let's Go to the Mall, Everybody!

The mall is a great source of thinspo. I saw the skinniest and the fattest people I have ever seen in my entire life! Anyone feel the same way? And another positive thing is today was the first day in about a year that I actually felt beautiful when I looked in the mirror. :)

I was so embarrassed to even weigh this week for the April Challenge. I've done poorly since that weekend I went away. I GAINED A LOT. Today some friends and I were supposed to go to the beach, but I backed out because I don't want them to see me in a swimsuit because I'm fat. Instead I went to a movie with my sister and it was the most fun I've had all week :)

How was everyone's week?

I'll Be Free.

So, I haven't posted since before the weekend. WOW. This weekend was great! I went away with a few friends for the weekend and we had a blast! We were at my friend's beach house the whole weekend and it was sooo fun. I didn't let myself worry about food, because I knew I wouldn't have a good time if I did. And, since that was my first time at her beach house, I wanted it to be a memorable experience. The only thing I didn't like was that I'm still not skinny enough for a bikini. I always have to end up making excuses to not go swimming with all of my friends. For a while, I feel left out, but for the most part I just get a lot of time to myself; time to just look out at the horizon while the sun sets and contemplate what this life really means, or at least what it means to me.

I like doing that sometimes. I like just sitting down to think for a few hours. But it's something I don't do nearly enough. And I've been thinking lately that I should do it more often. I'm gonna try to incorporate that into my life at least one hour a week to start off with. I can see myself going up on the roof, looking up at the stars, and just thinking. About anything I want; just anything that pops into my head. I'll be free.

...just thinking that I'll be free...

Done.

I give up. I see no point in being on this earth anymore.

My Ideal Look

Long hair
High cheekbones
Thin face
Flat stomach
Hipbones & Collar bones showing
Semi-muscular thighs (with a gap, of course)
Smaller butt
I HATE SIDE FAT & BACK FAT

Sad thing is, I know I'll never look like this. I'll get there, and then my ideal look will change. I'm hoping it won't, though.

This is real, while I'm still semi-sane...

Pros & Cons

So, following what nymph and americaneaglelove have done, I will now provide a list of things I like about myself and a list of things I don't like about myself.

Things I Like
1. My eyes
2. My uniqueness. I love that I don't look like anyone I've ever met.
3. I can pull off almost any fashion trend (So I've been told)
4. My muscles
5. My heart

Things I Don't Like
1. My stomach
2. My hair
3. My butt & side fat
4. My chubby face
5. Constant feeling of inadequacy

Yoga (Still Looking for ANA Buddy)

I feel great! I'm still completely emotionally unstable right now, but I'm getting better every day. Every day keeps getting harder and harder, but I just seem to be getting stronger and stronger. I've decided to incorporate yoga into my everyday lifestyle. I did it last night for the first time in about 2 months. I went to bed feeling calm and relaxed, and woke up in similar condition. :) I honestly owe all of my happiness and well-being for today to doing yoga last night. I have committed myself to doing yoga every morning at 4:00am (9am on Saturdays), and every night before I go to bed (whenever that is). It just makes me feel better about myself; helping me find peace in this toughest of times for me. It's really a great habit for anyone to get into. It'll take your mind off of the stresses of everyday life, which we all know are abundant.

I also did cardio for the first time in a while yesterday. It felt great! I didn't have anything for dinner, but after I was done with running and yoga, I wasn't even hungry anymore. I believe exercise is my new food of choice. :)

I'm still looking for an ANA Buddy. I can't do this alone, you know. None of us can. :D <3

...everything is going to be okay...you'll get through this...i know you can...because you're stronger than him...than her...than all of this...you're stronger than your instincts want you to be...

ANA Buddy??? Pleaseeee

Okay. So, again, it's been far too long. Some shit just went down last Friday. As I predicted, G is now going out with that girl I told you about before: thisfuckingbitch

Why am I always right? it sucks.

I'm joining in on this April Challenge. It's just what I need right now, to get back in to exercising more. I couldn't before, because of prior commitments. But now that they're over, and G is dating what used to be my best friend, I have tons of motivation!! :) I'm the fattest person I know. I feel disgusting at school everyday because all of my friends are skinnyfuckingtwigs. And I just HATE it when they say "No, you're not fat," when, clearly, they weigh less than me while still complaining about their weight!! I just hate that. I mean, I'm not an idiot. How do they think it makes me feel when they complain about their bodies? Like, wtf does that make me? A fucking whale or something!? Shit.

Sorry. I just had to get that out. And, like I've said before, I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this kinda stuff, so.........

I think I need an ANA Buddy. Anyone interested?

e-mail me: anaremedy@aim.com