What is the Point?

It just suddenly hit me that none of this really matters. When all is said and done, everything turns to shit. I normally would apologize for my pessimism, but I won't. Everything is not going to be okay. Ever. So what's the use in even trying anymore? What's the use in putting my feelings out there, when no one will care? I just don't understand. What is the point of all of this? None if this is real. Everything is made up in our minds. All these petty obsessions and worthless little headfuck things. In the end, all of this will turn to ruin. All of this will be gone, and so will we.

So, why do we care? Well, as humans, we tend to cling to life as a means of security. It provides us with the best promise of remaining in our current state: living. However, few people ever take the time to analyze life. They are afraid of the knowledge of something beyond their control. Have you ever asked yourself, "Why am I here?" It's fairly simple. You live, and then you die. Yet it is constantly made more and more complicated every day you continue to wake up. I mean, this doesn't even have to do with body image issues or anything like that. This is just in general. This life is so much more than you and I are.

I'm just tired. I've lived 16 years in this state, and now I would just like to die in peace. I'm done.

"There's no reason. There's no lesson. No time like the present. What have we got to lose?"

I Hate Fat People

I hate fat people, which means I don't like myself very much either. But what I hate even more than fat people is fat people who feel completely comfortable with their bodies and aren't the least bit concerned about what other people think. I mean, they walk around with this huge aura of confidence, that I can only dream to possess one day. Everyday I feel disgusting. Everyday I feel worthless. Everyday I feel FAT. I AM fat.

But let's look on the bright side!! Later on I'm going to Fresh Market to buy some diet pills (Yes, my mom approves b/c she thinks I'm fat too) Everyday she yells at me about my weight. She's always like "You always say you're gonna go on a diet, but then you never do anything!! You have no self control!!" Well, I'll show you, mom.

everyone thinks I can't do it........

Here's some thinspo:

I Don't Deserve Happiness

So, I met another guy a couple of weeks ago. :) We really hit it off. We have so much in common and he's super cute, but I still feel.... uncomfortable.... I thought about it a lot today and I finally realized that since I'm so used to being heartbroken, I can't stand the feeling of being happy. I have become so comfortable with heartache that I actually believe that I don't deserve happiness. I haven't talked to this guy (let's call him T) at all today. I ignored all of his calls and texts. 

What is wrong with me?? Why can't I let myself be happy??

Please help,

xoxo Caro

I'm Back!

I didn't envision that I'd be back so soon, but it's great to be back regardless. Since I've been gone, I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and the world and all that other good stuff. And I realized that all this time I've been trying to find the meaning of life and reasons why certain things happen, when I should have been questioning my own values, what is important to me, and why.

I have also gained a greater hatred for mankind as a whole and complete lack of faith in our society.


Now, I don't want to get all controversial, but racism in America is the issue most prevalent in my mind these days. And not just racism alone, but how it relates to our perception of beauty; perfection, if you will. I hate the fact that my idea of beauty was decided for me. It is not my fault (or neither of our faults for that matter) that I am the way that I am. We are just doing what the media wants us to do. We are its puppets, and I can't fucking stand it anymore! I have been on this earth for 16 years, and for just as long, I've succumbed to the thought that I am not perfect enough and I am not pretty enough. ever. I want to change that, but it's so fucking hard. I'm trying...........

No Wonder Our Perception of Beauty Is Distorted...

I stumbled upon this video today. Just.... wow. I was speechless. My immediate reaction to this video was to start crying. Partly because I know that perfection doesn't exist, and therefore, can never be achieved, and also partly because, despite knowing this fact, I know that I will still try to get as close to perfection as I can. I don't really know what's going on with me right now, but I need to take a break from this blog for a while. There's something seriously wrong with me mentally. I'm not really sure what to do about it, but this blog isn't helping me at all. So, this is my farewell. 

I love you all,

xoxo Caro <3

Let's Go to the Mall, Everybody!

The mall is a great source of thinspo. I saw the skinniest and the fattest people I have ever seen in my entire life! Anyone feel the same way? And another positive thing is today was the first day in about a year that I actually felt beautiful when I looked in the mirror. :)

I was so embarrassed to even weigh this week for the April Challenge. I've done poorly since that weekend I went away. I GAINED A LOT. Today some friends and I were supposed to go to the beach, but I backed out because I don't want them to see me in a swimsuit because I'm fat. Instead I went to a movie with my sister and it was the most fun I've had all week :)

How was everyone's week?

I'll Be Free.

So, I haven't posted since before the weekend. WOW. This weekend was great! I went away with a few friends for the weekend and we had a blast! We were at my friend's beach house the whole weekend and it was sooo fun. I didn't let myself worry about food, because I knew I wouldn't have a good time if I did. And, since that was my first time at her beach house, I wanted it to be a memorable experience. The only thing I didn't like was that I'm still not skinny enough for a bikini. I always have to end up making excuses to not go swimming with all of my friends. For a while, I feel left out, but for the most part I just get a lot of time to myself; time to just look out at the horizon while the sun sets and contemplate what this life really means, or at least what it means to me.

I like doing that sometimes. I like just sitting down to think for a few hours. But it's something I don't do nearly enough. And I've been thinking lately that I should do it more often. I'm gonna try to incorporate that into my life at least one hour a week to start off with. I can see myself going up on the roof, looking up at the stars, and just thinking. About anything I want; just anything that pops into my head. I'll be free.

...just thinking that I'll be free...

Done.

I give up. I see no point in being on this earth anymore.

My Ideal Look

Long hair
High cheekbones
Thin face
Flat stomach
Hipbones & Collar bones showing
Semi-muscular thighs (with a gap, of course)
Smaller butt
I HATE SIDE FAT & BACK FAT

Sad thing is, I know I'll never look like this. I'll get there, and then my ideal look will change. I'm hoping it won't, though.

This is real, while I'm still semi-sane...

Pros & Cons

So, following what nymph and americaneaglelove have done, I will now provide a list of things I like about myself and a list of things I don't like about myself.

Things I Like
1. My eyes
2. My uniqueness. I love that I don't look like anyone I've ever met.
3. I can pull off almost any fashion trend (So I've been told)
4. My muscles
5. My heart

Things I Don't Like
1. My stomach
2. My hair
3. My butt & side fat
4. My chubby face
5. Constant feeling of inadequacy

Yoga (Still Looking for ANA Buddy)

I feel great! I'm still completely emotionally unstable right now, but I'm getting better every day. Every day keeps getting harder and harder, but I just seem to be getting stronger and stronger. I've decided to incorporate yoga into my everyday lifestyle. I did it last night for the first time in about 2 months. I went to bed feeling calm and relaxed, and woke up in similar condition. :) I honestly owe all of my happiness and well-being for today to doing yoga last night. I have committed myself to doing yoga every morning at 4:00am (9am on Saturdays), and every night before I go to bed (whenever that is). It just makes me feel better about myself; helping me find peace in this toughest of times for me. It's really a great habit for anyone to get into. It'll take your mind off of the stresses of everyday life, which we all know are abundant.

I also did cardio for the first time in a while yesterday. It felt great! I didn't have anything for dinner, but after I was done with running and yoga, I wasn't even hungry anymore. I believe exercise is my new food of choice. :)

I'm still looking for an ANA Buddy. I can't do this alone, you know. None of us can. :D <3

...everything is going to be okay...you'll get through this...i know you can...because you're stronger than him...than her...than all of this...you're stronger than your instincts want you to be...

ANA Buddy??? Pleaseeee

Okay. So, again, it's been far too long. Some shit just went down last Friday. As I predicted, G is now going out with that girl I told you about before: thisfuckingbitch

Why am I always right? it sucks.

I'm joining in on this April Challenge. It's just what I need right now, to get back in to exercising more. I couldn't before, because of prior commitments. But now that they're over, and G is dating what used to be my best friend, I have tons of motivation!! :) I'm the fattest person I know. I feel disgusting at school everyday because all of my friends are skinnyfuckingtwigs. And I just HATE it when they say "No, you're not fat," when, clearly, they weigh less than me while still complaining about their weight!! I just hate that. I mean, I'm not an idiot. How do they think it makes me feel when they complain about their bodies? Like, wtf does that make me? A fucking whale or something!? Shit.

Sorry. I just had to get that out. And, like I've said before, I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this kinda stuff, so.........

I think I need an ANA Buddy. Anyone interested?

e-mail me: anaremedy@aim.com

Forever.

Okay, so I haven't posted in forever. As I have said before, I am a failure at life. During my break from this blog, I have come to realize three very important truths pertaining to my life: 1) I will never be skinny enough, 2) I will never be pretty enough, and 3) I will never be able to have a functional relationship because I am mildly misanthropic. The thing is, though, I was never really bothered by the fact that I hate people. It's only recently that I've noticed that I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life if I don't change this part of me. And I don't really know what it is that makes me hate them, I just kind of do. It's really been getting to me physically too. I feel abnormal and uncomfortable everyday at school. I never used to have a problem with my singularity, but now I also feel like I can't emotionally connect to the few people that I do like.

And, as for 1 and 2, I always seem to come up short of the pretty, skinny girl that every guy wants to be with. But not just on that end of the spectrum either. It seems like everything I do these days is just never enough. Grades, sports, singing. They all just melt together to form one big blob of insufficiency.

...i could just melt away with them...

Failure.

So, the rest of this week was completely shitty. I ate like a fat ass. Well, I guess I sort of am. And each day just kept getting progressively worse. I feel sick, nauseous when I wake up and it continues throughout the day. I haven't even been hungry at all this week. I'm not hungry, but I eat because I keep fooling myself into thinking that eating will make me feel better. IT NEVER DOES!!! It makes me feel even worse. And on top of that, I told one of my friends that I really like G, but it wasn't until this morning that I realized that every guy I've liked has ended up liking her after I tell her I like him. It's like after I tell her, she suddenly also has an interest in him too! Fucking bitch (excuse me). I hate her!! I kinda hate myself even more though, since I decided to tell her. Fuck! I know what's gonna happen now. And I can't take it. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I hate food because it makes you fat.

I Hate Valentine's Day

It's a pointless holiday, to begin with. And, besides that, it's also what some people might call Single Awareness Day, or  SAD. It's just not a good time over all. I feel like my heart just got run over by a train. So, fuck this day. :(

Oops!

I forgot to post yesterday, so I guess I'll do a double-post today.

Yesterday was surprisingly a lot better than most days. I didn't eat too much (except for the sour patch before bed)... what can I say, they're my weakness!! The G situation is still very awkward. Not much going on.

Today was not so bad. Not as good as yesterday, but not bad at all (regarding food). Now, G... This is basically controlling my life right now. I have people that are trying to help me, but I don't want their help!

I think most of me is just scared to actually be in a relationship with him because he holds the key to my heart, even if he doesn't want it. I've never felt this way about anyone. And I'm just so scared. It's sucks because I can't control it. I can't control my love for him, and he's the only one who can break me. And I know that he will.

Have you ever heard the saying that goes, "According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves."

I know that we were made for each other. I know he's my other half. But I'm still scared to know for sure. I know for sure that I only want him.

no one else...

Keeping My Promise

I promised I'd keep you updated, so here it is. Suckish day. Forgot my pills at home today. Erm.... I ate A LOT. And that guy (for all intensive purposes, lets call him G), yeah total awkwardness between us now. That may be our shyness kicking in, but this whole thing does not seem promising right now, which sucks because I've liked him for so long, and I was always afraid to find out that he didn't feel the same way, which is why I always kept my distance. Now we're starting to get close... and I think my fear was justified.....

 :(

Maybe tomorrow will be better (Mainly directed at the G situation). But, I always say that, and it never is, so why bother anymore?

TOMORROW WILL BE TERRIBLE.

G'night :D

ABC Diet... again

So, my first attempt at the ABC diet..... complete failure. I started again today, though. And I got these new fat burning pills, so hopefully they help with my awful stomach and side fat. I'm up to 9 pills a day now.... wow. How did it get to be that much?? It surely doesn't seem like a lot. I was good today. But, I must be better tomorrow. I'll probably see that guy I told you about who I've been crushing on for the longest time. I asked him out and he kinda sorta rejected me like I thought he would.... so, we'll see how that goes. I'll keep you posted. Wish me luck! :)

I Hate Life.

Not my life; just life in general. Cuz it sucks. I met a guy today. My age. But I'm interested in someone else and I want to ask him out sort of, but I'm really scared to....ughhh. I have no idea what to do because I'm a fat-ass bitch. And on top of all that, my whole family hates me. I hate coming home everyday because I know I'm not accepted here. There's definitely nothing I CAN do about that part. I guess I just have to live with it. It's just that every time I think that things will get better, they get 3 times worse. I have no relationship with my father because he hates me the most. Seriously, he comes home and doesn't even say hi to me. The only time he speaks to me is to yell at me to do something, or tell me to do something better. It's never a happy conversation with him. And my mom. OMG. She's so exasperating. Honestly, she needs to grow a fucking heart or something. So, incase you haven't caught on, my dog is the only one who understands me.

And I feel like no human being ever will

What's wrong with me?

Worst Weekend Ever

OMG. I started eating and I never stopped. I just got home from a weekend away with my parents and I feel like the ugliest, most disgusting thing that ever lived. I have no idea how to not eat while I'm with my entire family!!! And a lot of the times it's not like I have to keep saying no, I just don't want to make them suspicious (I did a very good job with that part). Ugh. I hate feeling like a failure. And lately, it's like I'm failing at EVERYTHING. I love the way I feel when I'm hungry; when I don't eat. Why can't I just control myself, or think of the best lie in the world to make them believe that I actually have eaten, or that I feel sick?

Whatever. Tomorrow's a new day, I guess. Take advantage of it?

First Post of the New Year!

So, I was going to post yesterday, but my computer was acting shitty. So here it is, my first post of 2011! I have a feeling this is going to be a good year! :) I stayed strong through most of the holiday break, binging here and there, but in the end I lost 2 lbs. Not as much as I wanted to lose, but it's something. I heard about the ABC diet, which I'm going to start on Monday. I know it's going to be tough, but I just hope I'll have the self control to stick to it and not give up after 2 days. I've been thinking that I should also start reading more. I got a new book for Christmas and maybe it'll get my mind off of counting calories and shit. Thinking about food 24/7 can be very stressful. I need a release. 

Thanks for listening <3