Retrospective

So I've explained what this blog is about, but I'd also like to let you know how this all got started. My emotions started to go astray around mid-February of this year. Here are 12 entries directly from my journal, just to give you an idea of my mental state at that time:


2.23.10
"I feel ugly today. I want to go home so I won't have to torture other people with my ugliness."

3.16.10
"Why do I feel like my emotions are consuming my insides? I don't even know what I feel now. Most of the time I just feel nauseous and gross, like I do now. It's like the more I think, the worse I feel because I know I'm right. I hate this. But I love it at the same time."

3.24.10
"I feel like a failure about 98% of the time, and people only keep making it worse. Home is supposed to be a place where you feel loved and appreciated. When I go home, I just feel even more out of place. My whole family talks about me behind my back, not knowing that I can hear them. This is one of the worst feelings a person could ever have: feeling like their own family hates them. It's like its not enough to make me feel like shit from everyone else in the world, but my family has to make me feel worthless, too. I carry my ugliness around like excess baggage."

4.13.10
"After starving for two days, I went on a binge, consuming 1,410 calories! Now I feel fat and I feel like I never want to do that again. But after a few days of not eating, I also feel like I can't control the urges anymore, and I give in."

4.16.10
"It's been three days since I've eaten and I really want to eat, but I'm scared to. And I'm weak..."

4.21.10
"After my last entry, I binged and ate everything I could find in the kitchen, but after, I felt terrible. I think my stomach is getting smaller, which I'm happy about, but I still feel bad for eating. As I was on my way home yesterday, I was thinking about what I was going to eat. And right after that, I also thought to myself, "Typical me. Giving up when it gets tough." If I'm able to do this and accomplish my goals, I will finally prove to myself that I can continue something even when it gets hard. But I'm also not sure of how to approach it. I'm really hungry and I already binged last night, so I still feel like I've failed. Eating is not worth the terrible feelings that I have after."

4.21.10
"How do I expect anyone to like me when I look like this? I've thought about many other options, but none of them seem to work for me. This is what people don't understand. It's my ONLY option towards reaching my goal. Unfortunately, it's also the only obstacle. I want to feel powerful. I need to feel powerful. I'm looking at myself in a mirror and I'm ugly."

4.27.10
"Fuuuck... I ate all the way through Monday. But today's a new day and I feel fine. I'm such a lying, jealous bitch. And I'm weak, but nobody knows. If you show weakness, people know exactly where to hurt you."

4.28.10
"I'm done with excuses. Life is beautiful. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Last night was hell. Hmm...I'm hungry, but that's ok, right?"

5.3.10
"Oh, god. I'm so naive. I'm gonna burn in hell. And the worst part of this whole thing is that I can't talk to ANYONE about it. Of course, I don't want to because I know they'll only try to make me stop, but I still want someone to talk to about my feelings. It's like everything I say, no one cares about. I can't confide in my family. I feel all alone all the time. Of course, I still have my friends at school, but they also just don't understand. No one does."

6.14.10
"I didn't sleep last night, which isn't good at all. And then when I got out of bed, I got this random pain in my stomach. I haven't had any water yet today. So far, it's not looking so good. Maybe drinking some water will help. :)"

7.21.10
"I'm gonna do this right this time. No one is gonna feel sorry for me, and, in the end, no one will care. I just have to try to keep my sanity through all of this. I started throwing away food again. It's kinda weird now. Like before, I had to try my hardest to resist food, but now, I actually just don't want it. My eyes are burning. :/"